Change the Way We Speak (2)

Tribalistic Perspective (continued)

Translated from a dharma talk given in Vietnamese by Dharma Master Hằng Trường.

Good morning

This is today’s dharma espresso and I will continue on the subject of changing our view, changing the way we speak.

Dear friends, if we want to change our lives, it's clear that we must change our habits. But in order to change our habits, we need to have a new way of seeing things. Only then, can new habits be formed. 

But how do we know if we have developed new habits? Our speech reflects our habits.

Therefore, if we learn to adjust our speech, it means we have to change our way of seeing. And once our perspective changes, we’ll notice that our speech changes as well. When both our speech and perspective change, and the more our speech aligns with our new way of seeing, the more naturally we develop confidence in that perspective. With that confidence, we usually begin to form new habits and gradually, we begin to transform our lives.

Yesterday, I spoke about changing the tribalist mindset because that is the most fundamental part. Because a tribalist mindset confines and limits us within a worldview that is very suffocating.

When someone says, “Oh, I have to eat meat because everyone in my company eats meat and drinks alcohol. Every weekend when we have gatherings, I have to eat meat and drink with them because that’s the culture of my company,” by saying that, they are naturally getting stuck in a tribalistic culture. The “tribe” here is the office, the company. So, they are confining and limiting themselves.

Oftentimes, we are caught in tribalist ideologies without even realizing it, because they are so narrow.

But when we say, “Ah, I have the freedom to choose how I eat, and I will decide based on my compassionate perspective,” then we are no longer trapped in that culture or confined by it, dear friends.

Little things like that but jjust by changing our speech, our perspective begins to shift, and when we change our perspective, our speech will also change. There’s no way to change our way of seeing without also changing the way we speak.

Another kind of speech that causes our perspective to become rigid is when we use words like “must,” or “it absolutely has to be this way.”

Here’s a very simple example: You watch a movie and find it really good. Normally, you might tell your friend, “Oh, this movie was really good—I really enjoyed it.” But instead of saying that, you say, “Oh, this movie is great, you have to watch it!”

And just like that, you unintentionally put pressure on your friend.

When we speak in a way that imposes on others, we create pressure without realizing it, and without thinking that we're applying any pressure at all. But when someone hears “you have to go watch it,” they feel that pressure.

And when we create that pressure for the listener, we unintentionally place ourselves in a superior position without knowing it. We may think we’re just joking or being casual, but we don’t realize that it’s actually the speech of a tribalist mindset.

It boxes us in, limits us, and also limits others, making them feel a lack of freedom.

Or sometimes, we go to a restaurant and have a really delicious meal. Ideally, we could just introduce the place by saying, “They serve a lot of great vegetarian dishes—I just ate there and found it really delicious.” Saying it like that allows the other person to understand and decide for themselves. They might ask for the address and go when they’re ready.

But instead, we say, “Oh, you have to go there to really know how good it is. You must try it!” And just like that, we’re putting pressure on the other person.

There are certain things such as social conventions or general rules of life, where, even if we use language like “you must do this” or “you have to do that,” people might feel a bit of pressure, but they usually accept it quite easily.

For example, if you’re driving slowly in a fast lane and someone in the car says, “You're in the fast lane, but you’re driving a bit slow,” you might immediately realize it and respond, “Ah, that’s right. Let me speed up, I’m going too slow.”

But if that person says instead, “Hey, you’re in the fast lane, you have to speed up, you must accelerate,” then it suddenly feels more forceful and pressured.

When we hear it, the discomfort we feel is minimal, not much, because there's already a shared convention in place. That convention is a basic rule of life: if you're driving in the fast lane, you should drive fast. So when someone reminds us of that, even if they use the word “must,” we don't feel angry or think they’re talking down to us.

Instead, we simply feel that this person is giving us a helpful reminder, something necessary and appropriate to do.

Or when you’re practicing together with fellow practitioners, and there’s a shared agreement to recite, say, 100,000 repetitions of the Vajra Pestle mantra. If you start getting lazy, and a Dharma friend says, “You have to recite a thousand times a day,” you might hear the word “have to,” but it doesn’t feel like a demand or a form of pressure.

That’s because there’s already a mutual agreement in place to complete the 100,000 recitations together, so this friend is simply reminding you. And that reminder isn’t perceived as a form of coercion or imposition.

But in matters where there is no shared rule or mutual agreement, we should be careful with our words, because they can unintentionally create pressure and make the listener feel quite uncomfortable.

For example, if you’ve made a shared agreement with your child that every week they’ll clean their room, sweep the house, do laundry, etc., then you can give a gentle reminder like: “There’s only one day left in the week—remember to do your laundry, clean the house, and tidy up your room.”

If that agreement is already in place, a reminder like this won’t make your child upset.

But if it’s only the first day of the week and you say, “Make sure to clean up properly. You have to do this, you have to do that…” then your child might feel resentment.

Even though there is a mutual agreement, they haven’t had time to act on it yet. And by reminding them too early, and in a pressuring way, you unintentionally create stress.

Therefore, the key is in how we use our words, how to speak in a way that doesn’t create pressure, but simply serves as a gentle reminder or a way to share information. When we speak like that, others won’t feel forced or suffocated.

Many times in life, there’s a sense of heaviness or suffocation simply because we’ve used words that make others feel intense pressure. As the speaker, we may not feel it, but the listener does.

What’s essential is learning to recognize and listen to our own speech, so that we avoid creating pressure or imposing on others, allowing the listener not to feel burdened. They should be able to feel that it’s a loving reminder, not something that is forced on them or something oppressive.

Usually, we’re unaware of the pressure we’re creating, only the listener who feels it.

That’s why we should reflect daily and ask ourselves: Do my words create pressure for others? Because it’s very easy to unintentionally cause pressure through the way we speak.

Many times, we unintentionally hurt others without even knowing it. In those moments, the best thing we can do is sincerely apologize. Then, little by little, we adjust our speech so that others no longer feel pressured.

Sometimes, we may feel that our life is quite pleasant, but we don’t realize that the way we speak makes others uncomfortable. We think we’re being kind or endearing, but the listener doesn’t feel that way. That’s the unfortunate part.

That’s why we must continually make an effort to change the way we speak so that our words are appreciated, not imposed. So that others feel touched by what we say, rather than feeling obligated, pressured, or talked down to.

Thank you for listening. I wish you a very peaceful day.