Change the Way We Speak (1)

Tribal Perspective

Good morning everyone! 

This is today’s Dharma Espresso. I will begin a new series on how to change one’s perspective. 

To change the way we see, we must change our habits — the way we interact with others, the way we treat ourselves, the way we live when we are alone in silence, and the way we live with everyone around us. In order to change our attitudes and lifestyle patterns, we must change our perspective.

Sometimes when we read books or articles, we encounter new perspectives and our minds open up — but after we put the book down, we often fall back into our old habits without even realizing it.

How can we break free from old habits? We must first recognize the way we speak as shaped by those old habits. Listen to your own words. When we begin to change the way we speak, gradually, our perspective will also change. And as a result, our way of living, our daily routines, and eventually our ingrained habits will begin to transform. Little by little, we will build a new habit.

Therefore, this series is about changing our perspective by changing the way we speak.

There are many aspects of our speech that can be changed, but the first thing we should change is tribal language, because it is the easiest to recognize.

A tribe is a small group — a small village, a workplace, an organization, or an association — something with which we identify ourselves.

Tribalism divides people into those who are part of the tribe and those who are not. When we speak with a tribalistic tone, those who are not part of our tribe can easily feel alienated or offended by what we say.

That’s why we should be mindful and express with care.

Examples of tribalistic speech include the following:

I says: “Oh, I’m from Huế, no one can understand the way I speak.”At first, this might sound modest or like a lighthearted joke, but over time, it can lead me to feel isolated — thinking that people don’t understand me because of where I’m from. That’s why I must stop saying, “Oh, I’m from Huế, so people don’t understand me.” Instead, I just needs to say something like: “Oh, I didn’t speak clearly, so people couldn’t understand,” or “I spoke too fast, so people didn’t catch what I said.” In this way, I avoid the tribalistic mindset of “I’m from Huế.”

Some people says: “Oh, this song is easy to sing — I’m part of a choir”. Listeners can easily feel uncomfortable or distant from you because they might think, “Oh, so you think you’re great because you’re in a choir?”

So instead of saying, “I’m in such-and-such choir,” it’s better to simply say, “I’ve sung before.” This sounds much more pleasant.

Sometimes we boast: “I studied at this school, I am a graduate of such prestigious institution.” No one asked, but we simply announced: “I went to this university, that university. I have this degree or that degree. I’m a PhD in this or that field of art.” That is to say that our "tribe" is the tribe of PhDs, and as a result, others may feel inferior — as if we see ourselves as superior, as if we’re being arrogant.

Some people say: “Oh, I’m used to wake up late — my whole family wake up late.” And they say it in such a way that makes it seem like their family is something very important. They might imply that no one in their family needs to work, saying that their parents own many houses — meaning they come from a wealthy, well-off family that can afford to sleep in and not work hard. But with that kind of speech, others may feel, “Don’t ‘touch’ them — they’re rich.” And the listeners may feel like it’s impossible to change this person’s perspective, because they wake up late since they’re from a wealthy family, they don’t need to work, and they have plenty of money - They are not like us.

You see that we might unintentionally make others lose their goodwill toward us. We get stuck in tribalism when we speak that way. Whether we’re insinuating or expressing clearly that, it still makes others feel that we belong to some exclusive group — and it becomes difficult for them to engage in conversation with us.

Or sometimes we praise ourselves, saying things like: “I’m the type of person who never lies.” So then, there’s a type of person like that? And you belong to that type? That means you’re part of a tribe of people who don’t even know how to lie? That’s quite something.

Or someone might say: “I’m a very straightforward person — when I see something wrong, I criticize it right away.” When people hear that, they may suddenly feel uncomfortable — and they don’t even know why.

When we hear things like that, it feels as if they’ve put up a wall — and we don’t dare to venture in and say anything else.

There are people who are very sweet and gentle, always smiling and speaking kindly — but when they express themselves, we notice a certain rigidity in their tribal mindset. They say things like: “If I don’t do it, then fine — but if I do it, I’ll do it really well. That’s the kind of person I am. I just can’t tolerate sloppy work.”

If they just said, “I’ll make effort and try my best,” it would sound much better. But when they say, “I’m that kind of person,” listeners instinctively pull back — it becomes hard to talk to them, and there’s a sense of discomfort.

However, if they say, “I like to do things well, and when I commit to something, I give it my all,” just saying it like that makes people feel more comfortable and feel they are more disposed toward them.

Just a small change — but that way of speaking moves away from tribalism.

The teacher asks, “Oh! Why haven’t you become vegetarian?”

“Oh! Dear Teacher, I work in an office, and sometimes I have to go out with friends and business associates, so I have to eat meat — there’s no way I can avoid it. I have to eat meat to fit in with others.”

You’ve probably heard that kind of response many times, but you may not realize that such a statement identifies oneself with a particular tribe — the tribe of working people, office workers, or bosses. In essence, that person is aligning with a certain group, rather than simply acknowledging that their personal preference is to eat meat.

If we say something like, “I’m not really familiar with vegetarianism yet, so I still eat meat,” then others will feel, “Oh! There’s still space for a conversation.” But when we say, “No, at my workplace, I have to eat meat, there’s no way I can be different and be vegetarian,” then we are affirming that we belong to the tribe and because we belong to that tribe, we can’t step outside of it. We trap ourselves in that tribal identity, and we create a kind of pressure for the listener. It makes it hard for the other person to respond or say anything further. The conversation stops there, and they feel suffocated — like they don’t want to continue the discussion anymore.

When people speak in a way that reflects tribalism, they are in fact boxing themselves in, limiting themselves, and accepting a narrow worldview — one that resists change.

“I work in an office, so I have to eat meat when meeting with clients.”“Oh, I hang out with wealthy people — they offer me wine, so I have to drink.”

You hear these kinds of statements all the time, but what’s not always clear is that they express a tribal mindset.

“I like vegetarian food, but I have to cook meat for my husband because he eats meat.” This implies belonging to a tribe that accepts male dominance — where the husband comes first. Perhaps the husband doesn’t have time to cook, so the wife feels obligated to cook and serve him. Or perhaps it’s about belonging to a tribe where one shouldn’t speak up — whatever the husband says must be followed. Or maybe it’s the tribe of “harmony,” where one avoids arguments, so if the husband wants to eat a certain way, the wife cooks as such to please him. She cooks vegetarian meals for herself, but says, “My husband won’t change. Equality isn’t possible — when he says something, I have to do it. I can’t disagree.”

To step out of tribalism, we can express ourselves like this:

“I know that eating vegetarian is good, but I haven’t started cooking vegetarian meals yet. Right now, I still cook meat because my husband asks me to, and he needs me to cook for him. I haven’t had the opportunity to share with him about vegetarianism and its benefits. Sometimes it’s not easy to talk about it — not easy to be understood or to connect on that topic. That’s the difficulty I’m facing.”

When spoken that way, the listener feels a sense of respect — they see that this person truly understands the principles of the path, even though she’s facing some difficulties. And it’s clear that she’s trying to grow. In other words, we feel this is someone we can talk to about vegetarianism.

That’s why, if we just shift the way we speak a little, it can open up many possibilities, many more choices. Sometimes, our husbands may actually be open to eating vegetarian — it’s not that they’re unwilling. At times, what seems like resistance could stem from something else entirely. Perhaps the husband is willing, but it’s our own assumptions — our prejudices — that have created a kind of tribalism.

Therefore, we shouldn’t tie ourselves to tribalism. When we let go of that, it becomes much easier to connect with others, and many new opportunities and possibilities naturally open up, bringing more harmony and understanding into our lives. But when we bind ourselves to tribalism — boxing ourselves in, and limiting our own perspective — our worldview becomes suffocating. We constantly push ourselves into a corner where we feel helpless, unable to do anything differently.

“We are part of this group, I can’t follow that other group, I can’t do things the way others do, because I belong to this philosophy, this group.”

The Buddhism we practice today is a path that helps us unlock our potential, awaken our wisdom, and recognize our own limitations.

We should not maintain the last century’s version of Buddhism — where deep inside we carry suffering and many limitations, yet we don’t know how to transform or how to break free from those limitations. We don’t need to struggle or fight with anyone. What we need is to shift away from tribalism — to open ourselves up, to create a more spacious and breathable inner world, where we are ready for gentler, more open conversations with those who hold different perspectives.

This is the core point of this talk: tribalism prevents mutual acceptance between ourselves and others.

Because within tribalism, we cling tightly to a fixed bias — a rigid viewpoint about our own tribe — and we become unable to accept the perspectives of others, especially those from groups outside of our own.

Empathy is very important. When we step out of tribalism, we develop a greater capacity for empathy and can express our views more gently — in a way that doesn’t harm our relationships with others.

Thank you all for listening, and I wish you a peaceful day.